Sunday, December 03, 2006
Tell me, how exactly does one move on from bad experiences?
I often tell people to do it, yet even though I assume I have walked away, I wonder if I really have?
There are flashes you know, when I'm on the bus, or when I'm watching tv...some random part of the day. I'll suddenly remember this, then that, and it's the same eerie feeling. Depending on what exactly remember, I get a mixture of fear, guilt, and spite.
Two memories haunt me especially. Both of which are completely unique and have nothing to do with each other. Yet I know none of that happened through any fault of my own. Yet one I can't stop blaming myself for, and the other...the other I say I've gotten over, but have I really?
If I can't forget, does it count as forgiving?
Anyway, whether or not I have, at least one of the 2 experiences have been causing problems for me. Hello, I can hardly make friends with guys without worrying that they'll hurt me or spit me out, or hate me. And sometimes it's not even guys, it's girls.
Ironically, I'm supposed to be the one who's good at making friends. Even with friends, I'm always worrying they'd dislike me one day.
I can't say it hasn't gotten better, cos it has. But such fears haven't been completely eradicated.
So, how? How not to take everything seriously? How can I stop being too sensitive, and end up thinking that people who like me are actually irritated with me?
And how am I to get rid of false guilt?
Sometimes I wish more people were like HY. He may not know it, but that small talk we had at the beginning of last year, really made me feel that things could get better than I could ever imagine. Who knew a "Hi, you enjoying yourself?" could mean so much eh?
Also, I'll return to France one day and make things right.
So here's to simple pleasures. I'll figure this mystery out one day.
9:09 PM
